{"id":87,"date":"2012-02-22T21:19:06","date_gmt":"2012-02-23T04:19:06","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.fagelman.com\/?p=87"},"modified":"2012-02-22T21:19:38","modified_gmt":"2012-02-23T04:19:38","slug":"87","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.fagelman.com\/?p=87","title":{"rendered":"Magic Wand"},"content":{"rendered":"

Health Nut, Tight Butt<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Eating right, Outasite<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Look at me I’m a winner<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Getting thinner, always thinner<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

How many carbs in that<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Wouldn’t want to get more fat<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Pants Smaller<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

True life baller<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Feeling good looking better<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cwhere do we go from here now that all of the children have grown up???\u201d<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Beats bouncing bass from the ever present ear buds that adorn my sweat drenched head<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Indeed: where do I go from here…<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

A yoga master guru all knowing specialist in the art of aura told me the <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Reason I had hit a plateau, wall, peak was that I just wasn’t clean…<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Clean? CLEAN?<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

What choo mean.\u00a0 Not Clean…<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

And she sent me, Disciple of diet, to a place where magic happens, where wonderment happens, where clean happens…<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Come to find out it’s where shit happens too…<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cHealing waters\u201d read the discrete door…\u201dcome in and be cleansed\u201d<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Ushered into a small waiting room where Filipino women in pure white smocks wandered to and fro<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I expected to hear farting noises but there was only gentle tinkling water<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Pictures of Jesus stared down at me…<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I picked up a pamphlet entitled \u201cThe Urn and You\u201d and read a charming short story about an <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Ancient commoner ridding himself of demons by sticking a gourd up his ass and flushing them away…<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat in the hell am I doing here\u201d<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

My conservative Jewish upbringing began scolding at me…<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cFuck it\u201d I argued back<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIve got tattoos so I’m already in violation…I’m getting healthy!\u201d<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I was lead into a small ante room by a statuesque blonde who’s only mar was a gigantic crucified Christ<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Hanging between her supple breasts…<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Disrobe, put this towel on, and position yourself on the…she commanded<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

The \u2026 was a sort of medieval cum modern bathtub in which one reclined with ones feet lifted out in porcelain stirrups leaving one’s derriere hanging naked and alone suspended over a huge drain hole<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Once laying in this most unholy of contraptions the woman returned to the room carrying something about 2 feet long in her hand…<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

It was a Wand<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Not a magic wand…<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

An Ass wand<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Once I was schooled in the ways of impaling myself on this plastic intrusion I steeled myself and <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

IN IT WENT<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Now i’m laying there, connected to a skinny finger of shame<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Horrified and yet strangely<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Mortified at the same time<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

The buxom princess of analease opened a panel revealing dials and buttons and knobs somewhat steampunk and wonkian I couldn’t help but think of poor fat Agustus stuck in the chocolate tube…<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Soon I was filling with water like some<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Disgusting water balloon<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Gripping the sides of the sybian like device I was overwhelmed with shame as the <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Queen of Queefs<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

began massaging my stomach<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Eliciting a a string of firecracker like farts that went on and on and on <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

My dead Fathers face filling my thought bubble…<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Remember son, its not polite to pass gas in front of the ladies\u201d<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

OH DAD YOU’D BE SO PROUD I cried out and<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Began to shit my brains liver and spleen out in front of the nice lady who acting as if I wasn’t a disgusting hobo uncoiling my poison hot-snake in her pristine white ceramic…hell it was a basket of em.. and the explosive farting noises just kept on blasting<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

While she talked about the weather and about Jesus and about how<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cOh MY you must drink a lot of coffee judging by your texture…\u201d Sweat stood out on my brow<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I wanted to run<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Wanted to hide<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Wanted to die<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Sitting in the most vulnerable place I’ve ever been<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Plop plop plop<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Rubbing my tummy<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Plop plop plop<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

The heavy smell of candles and incense a mockery of what was really happening<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

At the end she tells me to \u201cClean myself with moist towlettes\u201d in the bathroom<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I feel like the sad drunken sorority girl cleaning herself after pulling a train<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Every wipe doing nothing to reduce the Shame, the shame, the shame…<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

So I stand here now,<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Just telling you the tale makes my starfish cringe<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

and share I must my wisdom with\u00a0 you…<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

It’s better to be fat<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

It truly is…<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u00a92012 Harry Fagel all rights reserved<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Health Nut, Tight Butt Eating right, Outasite Look at me I’m a winner Getting thinner, always thinner How many carbs in that Wouldn’t want to get more fat Pants Smaller True life baller Feeling good looking better \u201cwhere do we go from here now that all of the children have grown up???\u201d Beats bouncing bass […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":17,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.fagelman.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/87"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.fagelman.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.fagelman.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.fagelman.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/17"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.fagelman.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=87"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/www.fagelman.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/87\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":90,"href":"https:\/\/www.fagelman.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/87\/revisions\/90"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.fagelman.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=87"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.fagelman.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=87"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.fagelman.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=87"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}