Waking up I felt the inflammation in my anus
\nA thing that throbbed and whistled I needed
\nDesperately
\nto scratch it but you know once you scratch your butt the itch tends to get worse and worse and worser then the gift a bowel movement from somewhere deep inside the center of my colon an aching need for release that pounded my intestines like tiny fists I hoped it would be quick
\nSo I sat on the bowl
\nOh the humanity
\nWas all I could think as link after link of pain and frustration and misery and wheat germ uncoiled from me and
\nplopped plopped plopped in the azure water
\nIt seemed I sat for a day but it was only about 48 minutes
\nI rose and surveyed
\nThe ugliness was unsurpassed in these clean times so
\nI flushed it away gasping for breath in the uprising choking chlorine that suddenly seemed to rise from everywhere
\nNow the wipe
\nI prayed for a clean clip
\nfor white paper to stare back at me after one or two diligent swipes
\nAlas it was not to be
\nswipe wipe swipe wipe swipe
\nlike the fields of Alaska after the Valdez tragedy my ass was it’s own
\nPrince William Sound
\nPeppering the landscape with endless smears of tar.
\nI knew I was doomed the itching now a Living twitching thing that tortured me my rectum an everlasting gobstopper of butt agony and
\nWipe swipe wipe swipe wipe wrap paper around the finger jam it up again and again and still brown Crayola mocking me poisoning my world with its fetid redundancy
\nSo I stood but clenching and unclenching urging me to itch
\nItch itch
\nHoney let\u2019s go
\nAnd that day my clean white underwear nestled against the weirdly engorged button of my shame
\nAgeing gracefully is for people in \u201censure\u201d commercials I thought
\nAs I cruised the aisles of the local Pharmacy praying for a swatch of carpet to rub my naked bum upon like some cracked-out beagle unicycling across the rug
\nbut I had a cure in mind
\nWhere do you keep your anal itch creams and ointments I shyly ask
\nAISLE #B yelled loudly and with just the barest hint of
\nUnderstanding
\nAnd I tromp over and find it emblazoned in mile high letters on the box
\nANAL ITCH CREME
\nI carry my nasty little secret to the checkout
\nof course a Fine babe in front of me and one behind
\nthe price check was inevitable
\nNo I don’t age gracefully
\nAnd I believe in Karma
\nVictim of my laughter
\nAll my childhood long
\nAt preparation H commercials and the
\nSuffering of Hemorrhoids
\nby the aged.<\/p>\n
\u00a92012 Harry Fagel <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Waking up I felt the inflammation in my anus A thing that throbbed and whistled I needed Desperately to scratch it but you know once you scratch your butt the itch tends to get worse and worse and worser then the gift a bowel movement from somewhere deep inside the center of my colon an […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":17,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.fagelman.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/166"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.fagelman.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.fagelman.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.fagelman.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/17"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.fagelman.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=166"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.fagelman.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/166\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":167,"href":"https:\/\/www.fagelman.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/166\/revisions\/167"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.fagelman.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=166"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.fagelman.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=166"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.fagelman.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=166"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}