{"id":150,"date":"2012-03-18T20:59:04","date_gmt":"2012-03-19T03:59:04","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.fagelman.com\/?p=150"},"modified":"2012-03-18T21:00:51","modified_gmt":"2012-03-19T04:00:51","slug":"abyss-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.fagelman.com\/?p=150","title":{"rendered":"Abyss"},"content":{"rendered":"

Looking at a blank page<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Seeking the rage that forms the art and<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Finding only peace<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Looking deeper searching the poison rivers<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

that once were lakes that once were<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Oceans that once spanned space but now<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Trickle along almost dehydrated from this complacency<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I find myself in<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Ennui creeping from the goodness I have found<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

To steal my passion and carry it far away from my minds eye<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cStop!\u201d I cry and seek the blistering hole that has tortured me<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Since childhood<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Immerse <\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

myself in its fetid depths and taste the rancor settled there the<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Abuses and shamefulness and misery and failure<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I wallow like a dog in filth<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Catching bits and pieces of hell on my shifting skin<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Memories painful slaps to bring me \u2018round to my angst<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

FATHER do you sleep well in thoughtlessness your little mensch all grown up and bearing your cross whittled down to a splinter small enough to fit in a vest pocket<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I did not wither in your footsteps following you to endless liquor sunsets and seeking the dead ghosts of the past with passion better given to the living<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I did not learn from you the lessons I carry now that time of fatherly teaching passing you by like the thick blood pumping past your heartlessness<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I love you still just for making me but nothing more and remorse a faint nag that surfaces when I dream of being a professional football player or a rock star which is less than seldom now<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I used to cry listening to Sting singing<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Of taking his father away with him to strange lands and just being<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

But crying doesn\u2019t bring you here<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

MOTHER I see you lonely and feel my heart crack and sputter at all this time you sacrifice for others pretending your not but I know<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I feel<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I taste your sadness it spills from you in Angel tears that rip the world and stain the sky<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

You would never say it <\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

But you do you just don\u2019t know it so you hide in others needs and magnify your self with pity sometimes at your being overworked but mostly overlooked and alone<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Grandpa needs you now so your loneliness gets pushed to second place again<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I forgave you long ago for standing fast with bad men I understand you had nowhere to go but home and so you eventually did and I\u2019m still a good man regardless because I\u2019ve always felt<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Your love<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

The words bleeding from me now matching the tears that spill from my eyes as I wonder back<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Back<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Back<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Regret is an easy rock to grasp to your belly<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Letting it pull you down into the abyss<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Feeling the sea walls rise above you as you<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Cry and drown<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

But here is where I need to be<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Tasting shit at the bottom my <\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Present world a paradise and free <\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Where I laugh with impunity and eat life like rare steak and dance<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

My wife and children my anchors to joy<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

I must visit the hell<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Inside<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

The vault of bad things and bad ideas and just bad<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

And bask there for a time before I return to now the time I revel in<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Thus creating the balance I need to create and<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

So the blank page fills with rage<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

And pain<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

and maybe hope<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

And I can go on again<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Giving the inside out to the outside in and <\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Freeing those sins that<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Are my buoyancy now<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Catapulting me past those failures I articulated<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

and letting me taste a future of <\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Blossoming <\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

A time of regrowth<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

And a harvest of change<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Looking at a blank page Seeking the rage that forms the art and Finding only peace Looking deeper searching the poison rivers that once were lakes that once were Oceans that once spanned space but now Trickle along almost dehydrated from this complacency I find myself in Ennui creeping from the goodness I have found […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":17,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.fagelman.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/150"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.fagelman.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.fagelman.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.fagelman.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/17"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.fagelman.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=150"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/www.fagelman.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/150\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":155,"href":"https:\/\/www.fagelman.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/150\/revisions\/155"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.fagelman.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=150"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.fagelman.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=150"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.fagelman.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=150"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}