Stained

What stains us
Is not always clear
Sometimes it resides in the past
Hidden in jars of broken promises and razor strops
The sounds of an empty house clicking and winding down
Bottled up next to open dead eyes and terror
We all were small once
Tiny creatures staring up into the shine
Arms outstretched as we danced and laughed
Giggling and endless
We were...
The mud comes eventually
Washing in on the trumpets of war
Or in the soft whispers of some evil uncle
Perhaps it is wrapped like a soft rotten candy
In the reeking kiss of an alcoholic parent
It comes and sticks to us
Makes us afraid
We find masks and masks
Thousands, maybe millions of them and we
Wear them everyday
Never really taking any off
Just adding new ones as needed
Our heads thick and heavy with them
Painted and sculpted and perfectly
Other
Sometimes when I'm all alone
I take my layers
Peel them off one by one and stack them in rows
Upon rows
Until I find the beginning
The hands lifted
The grin beaming
Nothing but joy in sight
No murderers or
Fuckers
or
Liars
Just soft
I know that I can't stay
But it is a gift to myself
To visit
Tarry a while
Before rolling again in the ink
Staining myself
The same mottled colors that mark me as
Experienced
And afraid
And beautiful

Copyright 2003 Harry R. Fagel ARR

Catharsis

So I just realized that my body is not producing much melatonin (skin pigment) which is the scientific reason that I'm getting more grey hair on my body (and in my ears). This coupled with the fact that I'm a ripe candidate for type II diabetes, having most of the predisposing characteristics: To wit: overweight, high triglycerides, high low density lipids, near high blood pressure. Last but not least the whole ball of negativity is wrapped in the fact that I haven't been in the gym for the last 4 months, a place I worshipped in for nearly 18 years straight. I am at the end of my ability to live in denial. Age, weight and general health is catching up, no in fact, passing me up and I sit and do nothing. This of course creates the type of enviroment I detest: One of low motivation and below average results.
On Saturday, August 2, my youngest Son will be old enough to go to the gym with me. I have used the excuse of being Mr. Mom long enough. I hearby promise to myself and the other 4 or 5 people that read these blogs that I will take a new approach to life come Saturday. If I don't I believe that I will slip into a problem filled middle age frought with additional hurdles and negativity. I know the way, the path the truth for my own happiness, and I must follow it.

Keeping Promises

Why is keeping promises important? Well it's a matter of building your reputation in life. People will know you by many of your actions, and one of the easiest to have control over is keeping your word. If keeping promises is of utmost importance to you, then you will never make promises lightly. People will come to know that they can count on you when you give your word. This can be a delicate thing if you don't treat it seriously. The day you break a promise, it will be like a ripple in the pond that could build to a destructive wave. Therefore, on those rare occassions when a promise must be broken, then it should be with the most solemn and humble accumen. This is a difficult lesson to learn. A simple thing like telling someone you will be somewhere at a certain time is a powerful chance for you to be responsible. By making every effort to be there, you convey a message to that person that they are important.

In contrast, if people break their promises to you, it is important to know how to categorize who they are to you, and how important the situation is. We don't live in a black and white world, so you have to take these things on an individual basis. For example, if someone tells you that they will do something for you, and they don't come through, and they don't offer a valid reason, than their reliablility would go down. If it happened a few more times, you can probably expect that the person will be continually unreliable, and you should go forward armed with that knowledge. It is at this point that you have a decision to make: Is it worth maintaining a friendship with this person, or should I relegate (or keep the same) the relationship in some fashion? I may choose to keep the person as a friend, but stop having an expectation of reliability. This will lower my own stress. I also may choose to bring the relationship to a level of aquaintanceship, in order to lessen the chances of future disapointments. All in all, each situation must be judged for its own merit.

Importantly, keep your own word. It is a valuble asset in your life. By standing by what you say in deed and action, you will be a worthy friend and a model person. You will lead by the examples that lift people up, and you can stand strong in the knowledge that you are a person of integrity.

In The Dream

I have always been haunted by dreams of nuclear disaster. Here is a recanting of a sort of synopsis of those dreams. I think the precursor was reading about "Surviving Atomic Blasts" in an encylcopedia when I was about 10 years old.

In the dream
The bodies pile up around me
Stinking empty husks once soulfull
Now cicada shells blown about like discarded wrappers
In the dream
I run so fast
Never fast enough to catch the detonator
Instead the flash comes
Sunlight mutated and gross in its sudden amplification
Bright enough to see that the truth was always in the flowers
But too late too late and the sun shines for the last time
In the dream
Ash falls like Pompeii revisited
Citizens frozen in terror forever until the mud cracks and they fall into the dust
I can't hear my screams over the roar
I can’t find them
Can't find my loved ones
They are trapped by progress and tons of rock
All around me the dying clamor for release
I search and search to no avail
My tears evaporate in the din and heat
My mind evaporates too
The valley flattened and smeared
All the tall reduced to nothing at all except Playa
In the dream
I bleed from everywhere still running
Searching
Searching
Breath coming ragged
The blast torn landscape a crazy and dangerous
Escaped lunatic with knives
Can't find anyone
All gone
Melted from here and dripped away to heaven
Vegas a vast crater
Like me
In the dream
I awake to CNN and wet pillow
Clutch my Wife's sleeping hand and
Fall away from dreams

Copyright 2003 Harry R. Fagel ARR

Relativity Part 5

The world concrete and steel
Surrounds us
Bushes occasionally intercede
Mostly there is edifice
I saw him drift in from the background
As I sat eating breakfast in the Hotel Café
Packing on the pounds with the rest of the hungry
Pancakes stacked like dirty dishes in a disheveled hollow
His stench rose ahead of him
He was album cover dirty
Some gnome from the nightmares of George Harrison
He cruised in from the shadows, and where the sunlight struck him
It disappeared in the shadows of time that blanketed him
He was the most neutral color imagined
An almost painful shade of nothingness
Ashy forever from hair to beard to shirt to pants to boots
His eyes the only hint of hue
A semi-vapid grey
I was sure he was a murderer
Or worse
As I opened my maw for another fork-full of dripping batter
And he clung to the gate surrounding the patio like a vapor and
Drifted around the outside, never coming in
Like a vampyre uninvited knocking knocking drifting...
He was not there in the blink of an eye
Only laughter and sunshine remained
I saw him again that night
Still cruising the outside of space
Still looking for a chink in the armor we create
Dirty as before but somehow stronger
He floated across the parking lot and intercepted my oldest boy
I was so afraid in that moment
Afraid he would touch my Son and somehow pass the misery and insanity and
Loneliness to him
A million thoughts went through my heart in a single beat
Violence, pleading, action, inaction jumbling and tumbling in that stretching cavern
Ultimately my Son slipped by him untouched and relief blew from me in frothy waves
This moment
An escape, a truth, a reality
And time restarted and he disappeared again
Reminding me once again that the end can always be just beyond the twilight
In the places without color, without hope.
So I pull my family tight around me and focus on them
In that infinitely there is great comfort


Copyright 2003 Harry R. Fagel all rights reserved

New Stuff

The vacation was great! Some highlights:
The Comicon was the biggest ever, with over 450000 square feet of exhibition. Stars abounded, including Angelina Jolie and Halle Berry, niether of whom I ever saw. I did however get a chance to speak with the amazing Jill Thompson, Brian Michael Bendis, Brian Azzarello, James Hudnall, Greg Horn, William Tucci, and Sergio Aragones, to name a few. Sergio spent 15 minutes rapping with Sam, which was very amusing. I even saw the great Stan Lee, but didn't get a chance to talk with him. His entourage immediately recognized me as some type of international comicbook terrorist type and moved me along.
A shout out to all the people from Vegas I saw milling around down there, especially Ralph and Kate, and Scott and Heather. (Nods to Joel, PJ and Brooke, it was fun drinking heavily with you all). I even got to see my sort of sister Chiffon and her teacher side kick Shelia, who both were dressed in cool 70s garb. Dinner at the Worlds Best Seafood was outstanding.
The Beach was loaded with beautiful bodies and happy faces. I had a great time hanging out with friends and family, and enjoyed the subculture of can collectors who took our empties in exchange for screaming at me in some forgotten indochineese language.

Sea World was also amazing, albeit expensive. My thanks to the Cassia family for joining us. We Love you guys!

Of course, the best part was spending time with my Wife and Sons. That really is the point of it all.

Enjoy the new poem. Until later,
Harry (the fatter version)

Return From Comicon

We are back. It was an amazing time. As soon as I resolve a little problem with my server, I should have plenty of pictures posted in the photo section. Stay tuned for a recap of the highlights soon.

Comic-con San Diego

Well we will be making our appearence at Comic Con yet again this year. Hopefully it will turn out to be the incredible geek fest I have come to love so much...especially as one of the biggest comic geeks of all. I will put up photos of interesting stuff I see there on the site as soon as possible. In the meantime, happy surfing and all that jazz..

Jay-Sahns Deli

For the boys of 8

Even a greater treat
Than the DMV
Jay-Sahns Deli
Reeks of freak
I sit and watch the street unfold in a restaurant
Where the Ice Cream and the
Entertainment are always free
Little ghetto babies
Line up outside and wait for the
Manager to turn his back
Than lickety split
They dart inside like sparrows on the worm
And gather cold pleasure from the ever humming
Frozen confection machine
While a group of older woman
Just back from spending hundreds shopping
Do the same without running
Or leaving a tip
Over yonder a dude
Bitches and whines about the quality of his meat
Raul offers a refund
Dude just shuns him
Fills his pockets with trail mix and bails
An older gentleman
With a tremendous comb over
Opens his mouth as wide as Lake Mead
Sucking in a roast beef sandwich piled high with heart attack
His chewing makes his hair float in the pickled air
I am mesmerized by its wafting
Hot babes wander through the ugliness
Surreal I expect a pole to drop from the ceiling and them to
Dance and grind upon it
Finally an emaciated urchin wanders in
Birdshit decorating his already filthy shirt
The salad bar his target
He homes in on it
Cucumber slice in his sights he Dives
Catches it
Dips it
In the ranch
And sucks it into sore ridden lips
Grinning and capering
He goes in the bathroom and comes out minutes later somehow
Dirtier
He has wads of toilet tissue wrapped in his hands
Which doesn't stop him from getting another cucumber slice and
Sucking up some more ranch
My appetite flies from me
Time to go
Enough seen
Enough for today
There is always tomorrow
Dear Jay-Sahns

Copyright Harry R. Fagel ARR

Insomnia

Baking eyes cracked glazed and frappe
Staring eyes reflecting the cathode tube
Locked in the mind room
Drinking Diet Coke and Laughing

Words sparking from the fingertips
Washing color from the inside
To stain the disguised outer hide
Taking a cyberorgasmic trip

Masturbation is a hobby
Hammering the giant
Now it's soft and pliant
And there's voices in the lobby

Haven't slept in years
Too much to do too much ado
Wish we could screw (again)
But I'm too awash in tears

Thoughts are liquid lightning
Breaking on my shoreline
Sweating from my hairline
Think I'm kind of frightening

Belly over lap
Drool is my resource
Collected in due course
As I yearn for nap

Been awake forever
Waiting to sleep
Wanting to weep
Been awake forever
Am I dreaming
Or just Scheming
Been awake forever

Copyright Harry R. Fagel 2002 ARR

Dinner

The importance of Dinner.

One lesson I got growing up (especially in a moderately conservative Jewish family) was that Friday nights were sacred. This was because of the Shabbas. A day of rest. The day that G-d rested after creating the whole shebang, and a day my family would often gather for dinner on. This Shabbat dinner was preluded almost exclusively by my dear Grandmother lighting special candles to welcome the Sabbath Bride. We would then say a prayer over the wine (an excellent benefit to being Jewish) and a prayer over the "Challah" (bread). After these formal ceremonies, we would begin to eat. And more importantly to talk. Sometimes even arguments ensued, but generally it was just a lively round of discussion among loved ones, which would continue late into the evening.

Now that I am a dad myself, with you boys as my children, I want to pass at least part of this important lesson on to you. It is imperiative to eat together as a family. It doesn't have to be every night, as this may be impossible in the hectic and busy lives we tend to lead in these super fast times. However, at least one night a week should be set aside where the T.V. is off, the games are put away, and the family sits down to eat and more importantly to talk. This should be a special time. It should matter. Prayers of thanks should be said, although I too often times forget.

Your Mother and I have had many of these dinners on Sundays since you were born. We usually invite people over to add livliness to the conversatioins, and to spread the importance of sharing with other people. This is our Sabbath. Our time to rest and be thankful and dare I say grateful for the loved ones in our lives. So remember: Set time aside to be thankful. Set time aside to break bread with the ones you love. Every so often invite a stranger over, so they may feel the warmth you try to give each other, and make them part of your world for a meal.